10 Lessons We've Learned About Quality Time

I don't really like running all that much and I especially don't like running uphill.

One day while running with Roger, he gave me some great advice.  He said don't sit and stare at the top of the hill, just keep your eyes on what's right in front of you, it never looks as steep.  Great advice for running and for life.

Sometimes when I work on goals, the end goal looks really "steep" and nearly unattainable.  But if I keep my eyes on the baby steps in front of me, it's not nearly as intimidating and somehow it's easier to take those first steps.  It's important to look up to see where I'm headed, but not to stay focused there.

One of the goals we have worked so hard on is spending quality time together.  We mentioned that we work and plan to spend 15 hours a week of time together. That's quite a bit of time if you start to really lay it out on your calendar and can be intimidating at first.

Why 15 hours a week?  Because Dr. Willard Harley recommends that couples need that much time in order to sustain a feeling of being in love.  Roger also loves his obvious statement that people who are in love are never the ones talking about divorce.  Since we don't ever want the "D" word to be in our vocabulary again, we choose to make the time a priority.

We wanted to share some of the steps we've taken and what we've learned along the way to get to 15 hours of quality time a week, something we believe is a critical component in helping our marriage thrive.  It's definitely not a prescription, just sharing what's worked for us.

1) There are no shortcuts and no substitutes to quality time.  When we don't spend the time, our marriage suffers.  We are less connected, less patient, less giving, less intimate, and become increasingly self-centered.

2) Being intentional is KEY.  You can't make it to 15 hours without planning ahead and making arrangements in advance, especially if you have kids.

3) It doesn't have to be a big chunk of time to be meaningful.  We often retreat to our office or bedroom for just 15-20 minutes to reconnect and have some uninterrupted conversation.  We also share coffee and breakfast together most mornings before the kids are up to connect before the day gets started.  It's only about 20 minutes, but it's a great way to start the day.

4) Intentional does not always mean intense.  We have one date night a week planned where we just hang out and have fun.  Sometimes we ride bikes, eat out, go for a walk, enjoy a cup of coffee... play.  Our focus is on enjoying each other and our time together.  No issue resolution, no major kid talk, no scheduling... just FUN.  We laugh, flirt, chat, dream, plan trips... anything that's enjoyable to us both.  It's often on these dates that I'm reminded what an intelligent, handsome, hilarious man I married.

5) It's important for us to have a "business meeting" each week.  We set aside a couple hours every Sunday to sit down and do our family business for the week.  This communication isn't nearly as fun, but is extremely important to the flow and function of our week.  During this time, we go through each day of the upcoming week, share what's on our schedules, talk about our kids' schedules and do a lot of division of household/kid needs. We get specific about pick ups and drop offs so that there are as few miscommunications during the week as possible. This is where we plan out our 15 hours a week and then look at when we can spend quality time with our kids, family, and friends.  We map out time for exercise and other appointments that we have.  We use Google calendar (and share our calendars) so we can know the day's agenda no matter where we are.

6) Keeping the slate clean.  During our "meeting" on Sundays, we also make time to bring up any small conflicts or issues from the week that weren't able to get fully resolved for whatever reason.  This helps keep the issues from compounding and keeps the slate clean.  At first it's hard to ask the question, "How do you feel like we're doing this week?", but even a hard conversation is worth it and brings us closer together.

7) Asking questions (and of course listening to the answers) is a great use of our time together. I've learned so much about Roger from asking questions.  Not just the tough ones, but asking about his goals for the future, dreams for our family, and even what he would like me to pray for him about have led to some great conversations and even changes in our lives.  More on this later, but I love working to be a Roger "expert".

8) Going on dates doesn't have to be expensive.  We do lots of our "dates" at home before the kids wake up and after they go to sleep.  We do trades with friends for babysitting and ask for babysitting from our parents and niece for Christmas and birthdays. A lot of times we go for walks or bike rides (so we can still talk) which doesn't really cost a thing.  Also, we try to do more "coffee dates" instead of dinner dates because it is incredibly less expensive... I've also been known to pack and bring food with us.

9) Getting away is great, but we don't have to go far. Although there's definitely something to be said about the get-away weekend Roger planned for us at Grouse Mountain Lodge complete with flowers, champagne, luxurious meals, and a couples massage... it was awesome... but that is definitely the exception, nowhere close to the norm.  It's special to get-away somewhere new, but not necessary for meaningful quality time.  Often in the summer, you'll find us out on our chaise lounges sharing coffee, our daily devotional and some connection time.  It's not exactly a "get away" but yet, that's exactly what it is.

10) No excuses.  There are a million reasons why we've put our marriage on the back burner.  But we've learned the hard way that NONE of those seemingly critical "emergencies" are as important as the health of our marriage.